F is for Forgiveness

Good Monday morning and welcome to week 2 in the A-Z blog challenge. I'm writing this month about life lessons learned, and here we go with the letter F. 

F is for Forgiveness

'to cease to feel resentment against an offender; pardon'

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

I mentioned in my previous post that I'd be sharing this month some of the experiences I think have shaped me into the person I am today. I wrote in my letter E post about the family I grew up in, and today I'm going to talk about another biggie-marriage. 

Marriage grows us, changes us, and teaches us many things...compromise, communication, sacrifice, how to fight fair, and most importantly, the value of forgiveness. Without it I don't think a marriage can survive. 

What would you say is the opposite of forgiveness? In my mind the opposite of forgiveness is resentment, and resentment is the kudzu of a relationship. 

Is there kudzu where you live? We see a lot of it along the highways in the southern part of the US, and maybe other parts of the country too, but in the south it's crazy. Kudzu is an invasive plant, sometimes called the 'vine that ate the south' because it's so fast growing and because it tries, and mostly succeeds, in smothering all the good vegetation growing nearby. It's destructive. 

Marriage is so many wonderful things. It's laughter and parenting and knowing your person is your person. It's connection and friendship and intimacy on more than just the obvious level. 

Marriage is also an every day kind of proposition. Husband and wife, each one making the choice to live selflessly instead of self-centeredly, every.single.day. 

True story here...I'm not alway successful. I mean who knows how to push your buttons better than the person you sleep beside? Small hurts, words said aloud that should have remained unspoken, the cold shoulder, disappointment, our opinion as the right opinion...these are all a part of a long married life, which means forgiveness will be required on the daily too. 

I've learned a lot about myself in our nearly 41 years of marriage, and I think that's part of God's grand design in creating this institution. Marriage is sanctifying. While I've discovered so much goodness there, marriage has also exposed a side of myself I don't particularly love. 

I can hold onto a hurt, marinate in it a little (or a lot) and feel justified in my outrage. And you know what? Sometimes I really am justified, but planting my flag there is how a tiny droplet becomes a deep well of resentment. A well that will overflow if left unchecked.  

I've learned in these later seasons especially that acknowledging a hurt, and then seeking and/or offering forgiveness quickly, makes for a healthier, happier marriage. To lop off resentment while its a seedling, not a hillside covered in vines. 

Not to let the kudzo crowd out all the good green things we've grown. 

If you've never heard the Matthew West Song entitled Forgiveness I'll link it here (Forgiveness). The lyrics are so good. ...'If flies in the face of all your pride, it moves away the mad inside, it's always anger's own worst enemy...'

A Hodgepodge Legacy

Welcome to another edition of the weekly Hodgepodge. For anyone visiting from the A-Z Blog Challenge today, I host a weekly random Q and A here every Wednesday. Feel free to play along, but please add Hodgepodge links only to this hop. Thanks! Scroll down to question six for my letter L entry. 

If you're here to Hodgepodge and you've answered today's questions, add your link at the bottom of my post. Then leave a comment for the blogger before you because that's what good neighbors do. Here we go-

   

1. What is something you currently find 'taxing'? 

I'd like to never mention this word on my blog again but! in a word Corona and all it's many tentacles...the way we don't have any idea what's true, what's exaggerated, what's real, and what's imagined. The mask shaming, vaccine shaming. All of it. Taxing is a good word. 

2. I've seen this question asked in various forms on several social media sites...you can only keep three-

coffee, jewelry, tacos, wine, books, dogs, chocolate, Netflix, make-up, leggings, cheese, cats

Which three do you keep and how easy or hard was it for you to decide? 

Hmmm...harder than it first appeared. The first is easy, because of all the things listed I for sure would miss my morning coffee the most. I'm allergic to cats so that one lands at the bottom of the list. In fact, besides cats I think the bottom half of my list would include jewelry, wine, Netflix, make-up, and leggings, not necessarily in that order. 

Dogs are living things while most of these other items are not, so dogs would have to make my list. And since I can't imagine a world without books I guess my top three are coffee, books and dogs. 

But I will really really miss my cheese and chocolate. 

3. Tell us something you know or have learned about forgiveness? 

It's hard to keep forgiving someone whose behavior doesn't really change. When I stop and think about it more deeply I realize God could say the same thing about me. But He doesn't. I'm forgiven and need to extend forgiveness to others. It's not always easy, but it is truly freeing. I love the Matthew West song called Forgiveness (linked here). The lyrics are wonderful and so true. 

4. What's something you'd recommend that is often overlooked and under appreciated?

The physical, mental, and emotional benefits of a walk in the woods, a nap, and a long hot soak in the tub. 

5. Give us a favorite word that starts with letter K and tell us why this is the one you chose. 

I don't know if it's a favorite but I seem to use the expression 'kit and caboodle' fairly often. Don't ask me why. I guess it's just the way my brain works, and it's often the right sort of phrase for the point I'm trying to make. Plus it's fun to say.

6. Insert your own random thought here-

Day 12 in the A-Z Blog Challenge...

L is for legacy

Do you ever think about what sort of legacy you're leaving for those who come after you? Are you intentional in living up to what you want that legacy to be? How we're remembered will mostly be based on how we lived. 

Not many people have the financial means to name a building or build a school or the like, but we all have people we hope our lives impact and perhaps continue to impact after we're gone. 

How do I want my children and grandchildren to remember me?

Not going to complicate it...

She loved well. 

She used her words for good.

She pointed to Jesus. 

Hodgpodge Questions-Volume 415

Here are the questions to this week's Wednesday Hodgepodge. Answer on your own blog then hop back here tomorrow to share answers with the universe. 

For anyone dropping in from the A-Z Blog Challenge today,  I host a weekly random Q and A here every Wednesday. Feel free to play along, but Hodgepodge links only please and thanks! My post for letter K is also up today. 

   

1. What is something you currently find 'taxing'? 

2. I've seen this question asked in various forms on several social media sites...you can only keep three-

coffee, jewelry, tacos, wine, books, dogs, chocolate, Netflix, make-up, leggings, cheese, cats

Which three do you keep and how easy or hard was it for you to decide? 

3. Tell us something you know or have learned about forgiveness? 

4. What's something you'd recommend that is often overlooked and under appreciated? 

5. Give us a favorite word that starts with letter K and tell us why this is the one you chose. 

6. Insert your own random thought here. 

As The Hodgepodge Turns

Welcome to the HP! Thanks for playing along today. Be sure to add your link at the end of my post IF you've answered this week's questions.  Don't forget to pop over and leave a comment for the blogger who linked before you, because we're nice like that here. Happy Wednesday everyone!

1. Elizabeth Lawrence is quoted as saying, "Even if something is left undone, everyone must take time to sit still and watch the leaves turn." So have you done just that? And what did you leave undone in order to do so?

It's impossible not to when you live in my part of the Garden State.  The color right now is glorious and I'm a little amazed I get anything done other than watching the leaves turn.  I could stand in front of my kitchen door or sit on my patio for hours this time of year. Friday night hubs and I sat out back around the firepit and took it all in. We definitely savor this season.  

What's left undone? I'm not sure, but if I had to guess I'd say housework. 

2. Since we're talking turning...what is one thing you feel you're doing 'every time you turn around'?

Emptying the dishwasher. There are only two of us living here at the moment and we eat some meals out. How is it we are always filling up the dishwasher? 

3. How hard is it for you to 'turn the other cheek'?

I try to always turn the other cheek, but it's harder in some instances than others. I am not a person who retaliates when I've been wronged, but I do carry the hurt around for sometimes longer than I should. Sometimes I know a person has lashed out because they themselves are carrying a heavy load, and I'm just a handy target. I can forgive pretty easily when I know there is a back story. It's harder when I feel like the offender had no real excuse for their bad behavior. 

4. When did you last turn a drawer, your car, a room, or your entire house upside down in order to find something? Did you find it?

I recently misplaced my car keys and turned all my purses inside out, emptied the desk drawer where keys are kept, searched all my coat pockets, re-searched all those places again, and nothing. We have an extra set, but my house key was on the original so that was a bit worrisome. The thing is, I knew I used the key to get into the house so it had to be here somewhere.  

A few days later I opened another desk drawer and there they were. Why? I have no idea. Honestly, I don't remember putting them there. We've lived in this house for five years, and my keys have always been kept in one spot. To make things worse, a few days after that I realized I'd done the very same thing again. At least this time I knew where to look-ha! For the record, I blame wedding brain. I'm sure it has nothing to do with age or hormones. 

5. 'One good turn deserves another'...were you most recently on the giving or receiving end of that sentiment?

I can't think of anything specific, but I know when driving in traffic I appreciate this sentiment. It gives me such a warm feeling when someone lets me pull out in front of them into heavy traffic. It also inspires me to do the same when the opportunity comes my way. That's a small example, but I think small kindnesses are what make a day brighter. 

Heaven knows this cranky world could stand more kindness.

6. Red, yellow, and orange are the colors of fall. And also fruit. If you were permitted only one color of fruit in your diet which would you choose? This question isn't as easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

I love fruit in every color so this is a toughie. I think I'm going with red though, because as much as I'd miss a banana or a ripe juicy peach, I cannot imagine a summer without watermelon. Or cherries. And what would cranberry bread be without the cranberry? I also love grapes, apples, and red plums so red it is. 

I need to say though, I'd miss bananas, peaches and clementines a lot. 

Also, I'm not good at these pick one questions. 

7. The Hunt for Red October, October Sky, Halloween...which October film is your favorite?

Halloween came out when I was a freshman in college. Wow. It's old. I did not like scary movies then (no matter how ridiculous or far-fetched) and I don't like them now, so definitely not Halloween. I like The Hunt for Red October, but that's one of those films hubs always stops to watch if he spots it while scrolling through the TV guide. Let's just say I've seen it enough to last me for a while.  I love October Sky. It's based on the life of Homer Hickam, (Jake Gyllenhaal plays the lead), and if you've never seen it I highly recommend. Great story! 

8.  Insert your own random thought here.

Question #3 made me think of that Matthew West song called Forgiveness. The lyrics are so good and so true...'it always goes to those who don't deserve....' that's what makes the whole turning the other cheek thing so hard, right?

Hodgepodge Questions-Volume 195

It's that time again. Here are the questions for this week's Hodgepodge. Answer on your own blog, then hop back here tomorrow to share answers. See you there!

1. Elizabeth Lawrence is quoted as saying, 'Even if something is left undone, everyone must take time to sit still and watch the leaves turn." So have you done just that? And what did you leave undone in order to do so?

2. Since we're talking turning...what's one thing you feel you're doing 'every time you turn around'?

3. How hard is it for you to 'turn the other cheek?'

4. When did you last turn a drawer, your car, a room, or your entire house upside down looking for something? Did you find it?

5. 'One good turn deserves another'...were you most recently on the giving or receiving end of that sentiment?

6. Red, yellow, and orange are the colors of fall. Also the colors of fruit. If you were permitted only one color of fruit in your diet, which would you choose? This question isn't as easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

7. The Hunt for Red October, October Sky, Halloween...which 'October' film is your favorite?

8. Insert your own random thought here.

Love Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry

Way back when, 1970 to be exact, a film called Love Story was released. The film was based on a novel by Erich Segal and featured Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neal as Ivy League college students who fall hopelessly in love. I won't spoil it for you except to say it's a case of wrong side of the tracks, and quite possibly one of the saddest movies ever to hit the big screen.

I was 10 years old in 1970 so I didn't see the movie until it had been out a few years. Love Story was rated PG, and in 1970 most parents didn't allow allow their ten year old daughters to see movies with a PG rating, but I digress.

Back around Valentine's Day I heard some folks on the radio bantering about a line made popular in this film. It was voted by The American Film Institute as #13 in its list of most quoted movie lines, and the line is this-

'Love means never having to say you're sorry.'

Has that been your experience because I have to say it has not been mine?

Since we've hit letter L in the A-Z Blog Challenge today, I thought now would be a good time to weigh in on that big little word-

L is for Love

We don't have to wonder what love looks like. A picture perfect portrait of the word was painted by the apostle Paul centuries ago, and while these statements play out in all sorts of ways within individual marriages, they remain universally true. 

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It doesn't envy or boast.
It's not arrogant or rude. 
It does not insist on its own way. 
It's not irritable or resentful. 
It keeps no record of wrongs. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  

Does any other married person out there squirm just a little when they read those simple statements? Those verses were read on our wedding day back in 1984, and as I listed them here I did a quick mental inventory of my expertise as a wife-ha! It seems I fall short on a few of those on a pretty regular basis, maybe even every day.

Living out all the pieces of that picture every single day is hard. When you live with another person love is tested in a hundred ways a thousand times a day. It's easy to feel impatience with your spouse, easier to sometimes treat perfect strangers with more kindness than we treat the person we married. We look around and think we want more, better, different. We get mad.  Easily. Past hurts and the mistakes you or your spouse have made can spin like a film reel inside your head.

Love is many things, but it is for sure not 'never having to say you're sorry'.

Love is waking up every day purposing to be all those things you weren't the day before.
Love is letting some things go and making dinner instead.
Love is a million small acts of kindness sprinkled across a lifetime.

Love means always having to say you're sorry.

There's power in those words. Left unsaid, small annoyances turn into something much bigger than they ought to be. And without somebody saying those words, truly big issues will begin to take up all the space in the room until it feels like there's none left for the two of you. 

In marriage the words "I'm sorry" will be uttered hundreds, if not thousands of times, and that's a good thing. Those two little words are what help us live out the last part of that verse-

They allow trust to grow.
They offer hope.
They make you want to persevere.