The Merry Merry Very Very Month Of May

It's funny how there's so much time to blog, but not a whole lot to blog about these days. Thursdays were made for lists of thirteen, but can I even come up with thirteen things today? It's almost the end of May so let's go with thirteen randoms from the longest May ever.

1. Seriously. Normally I feel like if you blink you miss this month, but not 2020 May. I keep looking at my calendar thinking surely it's time to flip to June, but nope. Still May.

2. The weather isn't helping. I cannot remember a gloomier grayer spring than the one we've had this year. On the bright side the grass is green (and soggy), my knockout roses are falling over from the weight of blooms (and water) and my tomato plants have tomatoes so whoohoo! Trying to keep them from drowning is the new obsession round here.

3. There are bigger problems in the world I know.

4. How about some happy news? I got my hair done this week and feel like a new woman. My appointment was first thing Tuesday and the shop had been closed for two days prior due to the holiday weekend, so I felt good about the timing.

The 'new normal' way of doing things is you wait in your car until the stylist texts and when you do come in you take your temperature with a side of hand sanitizer for good measure. We both wore masks and she wore gloves and it was just the two of us in the shop the entire morning. A day brightener for sure.

5. In other happy news May-June means we have three nephews, a niece, and a daughter all marking birthdays within forty days of each another. That's a lot of Amazon-ing.

Besides the other Amazon-ing I mean. ahem

We have ordered more than a few things online this month including our drug store essentials, a cap for the Septic tank, a new pair of pjs, a filter for the ice maker, a door mat, phone chargers-cases-and cords, dog food, replacement cereal bowls for my everyday dishes, binoculars, a photo canvas, an herb garden stand for the deck, baby gifts, engagement gifts, a hammock stand, and this that and probably the other too. I'm thankful for online shopping and the US mail right now.

6. Also during this season of not making plans my niece is making plans. She got engaged about a month ago so we're going to look at some venues together tomorrow. At an appropriate distance while wearing a mask because it's 2020 and that's how 2020 rolls. They won't be getting married this year because bless their hearts, brides everywhere y'all.

I know people are struggling with so much serious stuff, but we know more than one bride who has had to cancel, postpone, or hugely adjust plans and deal with enormous disappointment in the past few months and it's hard. We understand this sort of sadness very well and I do hope the heaviness of navigating what should be a joyous time will lift and people can celebrate all that should be celebrated.

7. I do think the wedding industry is in for some changes, and couples are spending more time thinking about being married as opposed to the wedding itself. A silver lining take away perhaps?

8. We've had a lot of storms this spring, including a couple of tornados striking tiny town, although not our particular neighborhood. About a week ago we noticed one of our ginormous pines was seriously leaning. It sits beside a rock wall, the construction of which we knew disturbed its roots. The tree was holding it's own until it wasn't so removal was in order.  

9. These tree guys are amazing. This tree was about 100 feet high and he scampered up there like it was no big deal. Sometimes they can just fell them, but because of the proximity to the house this particular tree had to come down in pieces. It was fascinating to watch them work.

10. Truthfully my stomach was in knots and I couldn't watch the whole thing, but hubs gave him his camera and tree guy helpfully snapped a photo of our house from on high. Hubs was green with envy and if there'd been an extra pair of spurs? tree climbing shoes? he'd have been right up there with him. Another reason I had to wait in the house.

11 Quick topic change...Blogger has changed it's format. For once I think I might like the new better than the old. Once I  get used to it of course. Technology always gotta be changing but I guess that keeps us on our toes.

12. Speaking of technology my teacher daughter made an end of year slide show for her class, and y'all it made me so teary. Three quarters of the year spent with big smiles on their faces, doing all sorts of learning and growing together in the classroom, their best buds beside them, and then the last quarter pics of at- home learning that parents sent her. The contrast tugs at the heartstrings.

Parents have rallied in this season, and truly they've done what needed to be done, but it's just so different and strange and you could see so clearly some of what's been lost for these little ones. I pray they can return to the classroom come September.

13. Hubs and I were enjoying our coffee the other morning when we spied a beautiful blue heron on the shoreline. He started making his way across the width of our property with his eye on something we could not see.

We thought maybe a snake, but then all of a sudden he plunged his head into a tiny hole and came out with a chipmunk in his bill. He quickly got back to the shoreline and proceeded to prep his breakfast.

By prep I mean drown it before he ate it because this is what they do. I always thought herons were pescatarians, but evidently I thought wrong.

Guess I was also wrong about not having anything to say today. Ha!

G is for Grief

There were many words I considered using for the letter G today...giggles, girls, graceful...each of these could be easily matched to any number of miscellaneous pictures pulled from my brown paper bag.

Instead, I've settled on this one-grief.

When the A-Z challenge first began, I couldn't tell you precisely what I'd find in my photo stash, only that I had a rough idea of the content. I knew there were too many soccer pictures, lots of shots snapped on sunny summer days, and plenty with little girls playing pretend.

I grab an envelope and peek inside.

There, squished between her two girl cousins, is my niece.  A picture taken on a long ago December day when little girls loved Barney and still believed in Santa.

Like grief itself, I feel something visceral. The photo catches me off guard...it sends my stomach rolling, but I cannot look away. I feel a surge of joy but I buckle my seat belt anyway. Like a roller coaster rising higher and higher, I have learned this year to clench my stomach and brace for the familiar drop.

We're told by the experts that grief follows a pattern. We're told there are stages in grieving...that every  single person walks through them in an order that is predictable, yet for all that communal emotion I've found grief to be a very singular experience.

We talk, we hug, we laugh at the memories that have always made us laugh, and cry for a future that will never be. We do all of these things in some combination of family and that helps, but grief is still a dragon to be conquered, or at least tamed.  While its stages may be predictable, the beast itself is sneaky and we each rage against it in our own dark of night.

You drown a little and you come up for air. You put one foot in front of the other every single day until you're months out from the worst day of your life. You think maybe you've found your equilibrium again, and to a degree you have.

Until a song comes on the radio. Until that funny expression you identify with one so small crops up in some unexpected place. Until you pull a photo from a brown paper bag and are struck by the sweetness of a smile and a moment caught in time.

You hold the picture in your hand and realize that you're smiling too.
You admit that grief is complicated...

You know that love is not.