Expecting A Fairy Tale

Before every wedding there comes a rehearsal. This was ours-

Practicing to get married.

I remember that blue silk dress bought especially for the occasion. The dinner afterwards with bridesmaids and groomsmen, family and ministers. I would love to know what we're discussing here.

We're definitely discussing something, but these pictures are a little dark so you'll have to take my word for it. And they're Polaroids!

It was possible to view your pictures immediately back in 1984. You couldn't delete, photoshop, or crop, but you could see a photo come to life as it rolled out of the camera. Then if you were the impatient sort, you could hold your photo carefully at the corner and shake it good and hard to make the lines and color appear faster. It was super exciting to watch your picture develop. I'm not kidding.

I was thinking about our rehearsal and the dinner afterwards. Remembering the butterflies in my stomach, the realization that tomorrow I would actually be saying I do. I have to admit the night before the big day it all felt just a little bit scary. Exciting yes, but also scary. In a way it felt like we were pulling something off on the adult world. Like we were children about to be left unsupervised. My hubs says he never thought that, but I know I did. We're in charge of ourselves? Do we know what we're doing?

Guess so. Marriage is more or less a learn as you go proposition, but going in we all have this little thing called expectation.

E is for Expectation

Looking back after 30 years together I feel like mine were mostly met. I suppose it's also possible that my expectations have simply expanded or shrunk depending on the year and circumstance, because sometimes we're better than great, and sometimes we just do the best we can. I don't think it's a bad thing to evaluate and adjust expectations in marriage from time to time.

I know going in I expected my husband would be the primary bread winner and I would be a traditional wife and mother. I had a college degree and was working in my chosen profession, but in my heart I always aspired to be a full-time, stay-at-home mother. I expected to have a home and family, that we'd take vacations and attend church. That I would cook meals and run the vacuum, enjoy my children, and have long talks with the hubs over hot cups of coffee.

Coffee was kind of a grown up thing back in 1984. Kids didn't frequent Starbucks and the like, mostly because they didn't exist. I looked forward to being a grown up and having coffee with my husband. And in terms of married life my hubs had similar expectations, although maybe not so much about the coffee.

We met with the pastor who married us a few times before the big day, and he asked us a lot of questions about all sorts of things that didn't seem like a big deal to my 23 year old self. Things like how would we handle money, holidays, traditions, matters of faith, raising children, leisure time, household chores, and more.  You know, all that stuff that comes up as you go along, things you approach in the way you were raised and he approaches in the way he was raised, and sometimes that's the same thing, and sometimes it's not?

Hubs and I had dated for quite a while, so we'd talked about many of those issues that are going to arise when you become man and wife, but as I said up top, marriage is a bit of a learn as you go. So we've learned as we've gone. As husband and wife we've compromised, given a little or given a lot, clung tightly and stood firm sometimes, and let go of the things we could live without.

I do think it's important going in to marriage to have realistic expectations about what I call 'the deal breakers'. Everybody has theirs, and it's important to lay them out there for your future mate to weigh in on.  I wouldn't have married someone who didn't want children. That would have been a deal breaker for me. And I wanted my children to be raised in a home where they would grow up knowing Jesus. Also something I wouldn't budge from.  Other people may feel strongly about a wife working or not working, how they save and spend, who takes care of household chores, whatever.  I don't think we need a checklist a mile long for a potential spouse to meet every single thing, but I do think we need a shortlist of the things we are not willing to compromise on, and to know our future mate is on the same page there.

We're told not to expect a fairy tale when we get married, but what is a fairy tale ? Doesn't a fairy tale usually begin with a once upon a time? Don't they happen in a far off place and time? Don't they feature a boy and girl (a prince and his princess), who experience adventure, and encounter characters and situations both good and evil along the way? Don't they end with a 'happily ever after'?

That girl up there, the one getting married the next day?
She was expecting a fairy tale.

And you know she kind of got one.

Some Doosies and Some Dontsies

This first week of the A-Z Challenge is kicking my behind. I think I say that every year, because for some reason the first week of April is always pretty full around here. We were out of town four days just prior to the challenge kick off, and I've had my mom visiting since we got back home. There hasn't been a lot of time to blog, or even think about blogging, let alone visit around like I normally do. Next week people! 

On top of all that we had 55 participants in the Wednesday Hodgepodge this week, and since I'm the hostess I like to at least say hello to the bloggers who link. Pretty sure I'll be declaring a Hodgepodge Spring Break sometime during the month, which is also something I say every year. 

Wednesday April 16th. Hodgepodge Spring Break. Done. Whew!

Okay, where are we now with this A-Z thing? 

D is for Do. And also for Don't.

You would think something as weighty and significant as marriage would come with an instruction book of some sort wouldn't you? Technically it does, but I'll save that for a later post, and in the meantime share my very own list of Top Ten Do's and Don'ts For Married Life.

Do small things on a regular basis. We all know big things matter in life, but in my experience it's the small acts of kindness, self-sacrifice, and generosity, done regularly and without a lot of fanfare, that help create a deep and lasting affection for my husband. It's not that I don't appreciate the big grand gesture, but in a sense husbands and wives expect those.

That compliment when I'm feeling low, encouragement given when I'm feeling beaten down, a Payday candy bar brought home just because he knows I love a Payday candy bar...those are the sorts of things that make my heart feel tender. They fill up the well of love and good will a long marriage needs to go the distance. There are things in a marriage that are going to require you dip into that well from time to time, so keep it full. 

Don't hold a grudge. I know it's not p.c. to say it, but we women kind of excel at this one. In the words of an uber-popular, over-played Disney tune...'Let it Go'. 

Do keep a mental list of your spouse's admirable traits.

Don't refer to that other list you keep of his less than admirable traits.

Oh don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. 

Do put up a united front against the things of this world that threaten to divide you. There are many-popular culture, 'the Joneses', family junk, the almighty dollar, the clock and the calendar, to name just a few. 

Don't talk negatively about your spouse to other people. I think so much of how we feel about our spouse is what we tell ourselves we feel. If we talk about and focus on the things about that person we wish were different, we start to feel dissatisfied. Once dissatisfaction takes root its easy to feed and water it. Conversely, when I focus on all the many things I love about my husband, I feel loving. Funny how that works. 

Do pray. When I get irritated, frustrated, feel impatient or hurt, it helps to step back and take a good hard look at myself. And you know what? Sometimes I realize that I really am the one in the right, and I want to say to God, change him. It's his fault, he's to blame, so Dear God please make him aware of it. Ha! I'm sure God laughs too.  And I'm fairly certain my husband prays a similar prayer from time to time because we're all so human.  It has taken me most of the last 30 years to accept that God is not about proving me right. He is about changing hearts and minds, beginning with my own. I've learned that what helps me to soften, forgive, let go of the hurt, is to ask for eyes to see my husband the way God sees him. When I remind myself of how much God loves him, he becomes easier to love.

Don't nitpick. This is a big one. Nitpicking over every little thing that bugs you does not a harmonious marriage make. Sure there are going to be things that must be worked on or changed as we grow old together, but there are also some things that just have to be lived with. 

Do make your relationship a priority. Laugh. Choose to be happy. We are emotional beings, but we don't have to be ruled by our moods, or those of the person we live with. In fact that word laugh will get a post of it's own because I think laughter is good medicine for whatever ails you, your spouse, or the two of you together. 

Don't compare. Instead do water the grass right where you live. No two marriages are exactly the same. Focus inward on your own spouse, home, and family with all it's joys and challenges. When we have a disagreement it's tempting to say, 'so and so said her husband does xyz'.  My hubs always responds with 'I don't care about so and so, I care about us.' Truth. Me and him. Him and me. We are what matters in terms of our marriage.

There's a quote I've seen many times, I'm not sure who it's attributed to, but it goes like this-"A successful marriage is not about finding the right person. It's about being the right person." 

Be the person you want to be married to. 

TBT in the A2Z

Day 3 of the A-Z Blog Challenge, and I'm thinking I may use Thursdays as a platform for my 'oldies but goodies'.

Actually I can only promise old, not good.
I didn't take this one.

Obviously.

C is for Just a Couple of Kids

January, 1984.
Engaged for one full complete entire glorious month.
Wasn't every day glorious when you were 23, marking off the days until you said I do?

We're five months away from our wedding here. Fellow brides I knew back in 1984 didn't have two year engagements. Most didn't have one year engagements. A lovely wedding could easily come together in six months or less, and I'm quite certain that is still possible, except weddings today have morphed into Events. With a capital E.

I tell my girls when it comes to weddings, the most important thing is to pick the right groom. The rest is incidental.

This picture was taken in hubs apartment, and I have to say this photo makes it look slightly better than I remember. I know it's his apartment because I see the scratchy plaid sofa that hit your neck at an awkward angle, and also the cross stitch mallards I made for him back when I was 23 and still had 20/20 vision.

When I saw this picture the first thing that leapt out at me was my skin. I really can't explain it, except to say that seeing my skin in this picture made me feel, not old exactly, more like not as young as I am in my head.

Mid life is a funny thing. Sometimes your mind tricks you into thinking you're still that girl, but a picture like this one confirms you're not. At least not on the outside. In 1984 my skin had a youthful glow. At what age did I stop looking youthful? At what age did I start using phrases like youthful glow?

The other thing that struck me when I came across this photo was how bright eyed and relaxed we both look. The effortless pose that says we're young and strong and "Hey future! Come and get us!'

And she did.

The future arrived one day, one month, one year at a time.

She came in the form of for better or worse.
Job transfers and relocations.
Homes bought and sold and stamped with the memory of a place in time.
Friendships nurtured across eight cities, five states, and two countries.

She came in the form of sickness and health.
A parent gone too soon and beautiful babies who filled spaces we didn't know existed.
Sleepless nights and magical days.
Heartbreak and heart-full.

Sometimes that future she roared.
Too long commutes and too big expectation.
Stitches in a toddler's head and tears on a teen girl's pillow.
Disagreements, cross words, regret.

More often though, she came in a whisper.
Gentle apologies and tender looks.
A slow dance in the kitchen on a summer night in June.
Laughter that cheers and heals and soothes and lifts and binds a family together.

The future sneaks up on you via candles on a cake and an aching back and where are my reading glasses. She hits you from behind with the overwhelming love you feel for all you've made and done and been and are.

You hold a picture in your hand. Just a couple of kids full of hope and confidence, certain they're ready for whatever life may bring.

For a moment you wish you were still those kids, and then you think about it and realize you are. A little less youthful on the outside maybe, a little wiser and stronger on the inside definitely, but at heart still just a couple of kids.

Kids knit together through time and experience and life in a way those 20-somethings could not imagine or understand until they lived it.

"One of the good things that come of a true marriage is that there is one face on which changes come without your seeing them; or rather there is one face which you can still see the same, through all the shadows which years have gathered upon it." George MacDonald

Boys Will Be Boys

This post is Day two in the April A-Z Blog Challenge.

If you're looking for this week's Wednesday Hodgepodge you'll find it just before this post. 

B is for Boys will be Boys

I grew up in a home with two sisters and one brother. He is a saint. Okay, not literally, but he is without a doubt the most easy-going, patient person I've ever known.

My dad was a man's man, and my brother was an athlete, but still it's hard to combat all that estrogen in a two story house. One must learn to deal.  

Hubs grew up in a home with two brothers and one sister. He is number one son and his sister is number four child. Like my brother (only the polar opposite) she too had to navigate a strange new world. 

One filled with gallons of testosterone, a whole lotta wrestling, and later a heaping helping of teenage boy attitude. Times three! Hubs likes to say his house growing up was a little like The Cartwrights. Disagreement with your brother? Let's wrestle it out. Literally.

Hubs family is a lay it all out there kind of people.

My family is a let's walk on eggshells kind of people.

These two families were united for all time one warm June day back in 1984.  

In the course of almost thirty years of marriage it's only natural issues will arise from time to time. Incidents will occur that need to be handled. Options need weighing, plans need planning, decisions need deciding. Sometimes observations about life in general beg to be shared, and do you know what all of the above have in common if you're me? 

Words. 

Lots and lots of words. 

I need to fill in the back story and the front story and all the details in between. The what ifs, the plan a, b, c....z. The possibilities and potential pitfalls. 

Do you know what hubs will sometimes say? With utmost restraint he'll say, 'Can you just give me the bottom line? '

In my head I say no! No No NO.  I'm not a bottom line kind of girl. 

I need to give you the beginning and the middle before I can give you the bottom line. 

Sometimes I give him the bottom line.

And sometimes he lets me use all my words. 

And sometimes I appreciate his ability to cut to the heart of the matter, to summarize all my many words into a cohesive unit.

And sometimes all my many words make him smile and remember why he loves me.  

Brought to you by the Letter B

Welcome to this week's edition of the weekly Hodgepodge. You'll find this post sandwiched between letters A and B in the April A-Z Challenge, and if you don't know what that means, click the button on my sidebar to read more.

If you're visiting from the A-Z today, you'll find my B post just after this one. I host a weekly meme here every Wednesday, and I'm determined to keep it going in addition to the challenge this month.  That might be optimistic, but that's me.

Here are my answers to this week's questions. Answer on your own blog, then add your link at the end of my post. Hodgepodge links only here today, please! 

1. Since the questions posted on the first day of April it seemed only right to ask-when was the last time you did something foolish?  If you can't answer that one, try this one-when was the last time someone fooled you?

A couple of weeks ago I thought I'd lost the dog. She went out one door and I came in another, and when I went outside later to let her in, she was no where to be seen. The gates on the fence were closed and locked, but the snow was still pretty deep so I thought somehow she'd maneuvered herself up the snowhill and on to freedom. Had I been thinking clearly I would have realized this was physically impossible for her to do, but let's just say I was not thinking clearly. 

Hubs was at work and I was bordering on hysteria. Actually I think I crossed the border. ahem. I got in my car and drove around the neighborhood, even stopped someone walking to ask if they'd seen her. I drove home, trying all the while to figure out what to do next aka sobfest. I walked in the house, glanced over into the family room, and there she was sitting in her chair. Good grief. I guess she came in the garage door when I went out the kitchen door, but seriously I felt like an idiot. A happy idiot, but still...

2. What's the last biography or non-fiction book you've read? Was it any good?

Empty Mansions: The Mysterious Life of Hughette Clark and the Spending of a Great American Fortune  by Bill Dedman.  I read this one as part of my book club, and really enjoyed it.  I loved the history and her father's story almost more than her own, but all in all it was a good read. 

3. Garlic-friend or foe? What's your favorite dish made with garlic?

Definitely friend. I love garlic, and am not sure I can choose a favorite dish.  How about roasted garlic spread on really good bread? 

4. Several spring flower festivals happen in the US during the month of April. Of those listed which would you most like to see in person...The Skagit Tulip Festival in Skagit Washington, The Dogwood Arts Festival in Knoxville Tennessee, The North Carolina Azalea Festival in Wilmington North Carolina, or Daffodil Festival Weekend on Nantucket Island Massachusetts?

I'd be happy to see any or all of them, but if I'm forced to choose I'm going with The Skagit Tulip Festival.  Tulips are one of my favorite flowers, and seeing the Northwest corner of the US is on my travel wish list. 

5. How do you choose which blogs to read?  What is something that will make you stop and read every time? Something that makes you say, 'eh, think I'll skip this and move on to the next'?

A catchy title for starters. And the layout needs to be easy to read. I appreciate paragraph breaks and fonts that are not overly complicated. I'll read a longer post if you've got something to say, but if you're going to make me 'click to read more' you better grab my attention from word one.  

I tend to back away from the very busy blogs with tons of stuff on the sidebar, flashing icons, and music that plays when the blog opens.  

6. April is National Mathematics Education Month so tell us, when did you last use math?

Friday morning I paid some bills before we headed of town. Using a calculator is math, right? 

7. In honor of the A-Z challenge which kicked off on April 1...choose one word beginning with the letter A to describe your yesterday.

Agreeable

8. Insert your own random thought here.

So, fun news...my Daughter2 just started blogging. You'll find her site (It's Elementary) by clicking here. She's planning to join the HP today, and I know she'd love for you to stop by and say hi. 

Daughter1 is participating in the A-Z Challenge this month and you'll find her blog (Sincerely Shannon) here.  Complete coincidence she and I both used the same word for Letter A. Must be something in our DNA! 

My A-Z Post on the Letter B will follow this one. 

A is for All In

If you're looking for this week's Hodgepodge questions, keep reading. 

Today marks the beginning of this year's A-Z Blog Challenge. For those of you who don't know what that means, you'll find the details here, or you can click the badge on my sidebar. In a nutshell, you blog every day (except Sundays) during the month of April, using the alphabet as your guide. This will be my fourth year in the A-Z, and I have thoroughly enjoyed each and every one. This little exercise helps jump start my writing after a sluggish winter.

A theme is not required, but I have always had a theme. I may be the queen of random here on a weekly basis, but for a challenge like this one I need focus. In 2011 I wrote about our travels far and wide. In 2012 I managed to turn a two week jaunt around Asia into 26 posts, and in 2013 it was all about motherhood. So what is my theme in 2014?

Married With Children

Now for the rest of the story...this summer hubs and I will celebrate 30 years of married life, and I think I want to talk about that. I have two daughters in their early 20's who hope to be married one day, and I see this as an opportunity to share my thoughts on a topic that in today's culture is often viewed with negativity or considered old-fashioned, cliche, or just not that big of a deal.

Hi Girls!

Marriage is a big deal.

Love, Mom

As an aside here, I'm going to blog about my experiences, things I've learned in being married, and a few things I hope my daughters will think about and carry into their own marriages one day. Everyone has their story, and this is where I share mine.

There will likely be pictures, because I like pictures and an excuse to talk about them. I may end up writing some posts in the form of letters to my daughters or I may not. Some bloggers already have all their A-Z posts written and ready to publish before the challenge even begins, but I'm not one of them. I like to write two or three days ahead, but I tend to be more of a figure it out as we go along kind of blogger, so strap in...anything is possible.

Before we begin I have to laugh about this first letter. I wrote my post and sometime later was chatting with my daughter about her A-Z. When I asked her what her word for A was going to be she said, 'All In'. Great minds people!

Here we go...

A is for All In

When I think back to being young and in love, an unknown future and all the days in between still lying somewhere way out yonder in the stratosphere, this is the expression that comes to mind.

All in.

Because I think when you get married you have to be. That little phrase is the starting block you dive from as you navigate the sometimes calm, sometimes turbulent waters of matrimony. It's the base from which you handle all the wonderful terrible hard delightful unexpected predictable things that most assuredly will be coming your way until death do you part.

You can't be some of the way in, or part way in, or mostly in, because when you're not all in it's too easy to get out.

Hi Girls!

Be all in.

Love, Mom

Hodgepodge Questions-Volume 169

I may have some first time visitors here today, and if you're one of them, welcome to This Side of the Pond! I host a weekly meme every Wednesday, and post the questions on Tuesday. My plan is to keep it going during the month of April, but we'll all be flexible, okay? My A-Z post will be going up right after this one, so keep calm and read on.

Here are the questions to this week's Hodgepodge. Answer on your own blog, then hop back here tomorrow to share answers. And the letter B!

1. Since these questions are posting on the first day of April it seems only right to ask-when was the last time you did something foolish? If you can't answer that one, try this one-when was the last time someone fooled you?

2. What's the last biography or non-fiction book you've read? Was it any good?

3. Garlic-friend or foe? What's your favorite dish made with garlic?

4. Several Spring flower festivals happen in the US during the month of April. Of those listed, which would you most like to see in person...The Skagit Tulip Festival in Skagit Washington, The Dogwood Arts Festival in Knoxville Tennessee, The North Carolina Azalea Festival in Wilmington North Carolina or the Daffodil Festival Weekend on Nantucket Island, Massachussets?

5. How do you choose which blogs to read?  What is something that will make you stop and read every time? Something that makes you say, 'eh, think I'll skip this one and move on to the next'?

6. April is National Mathematics Education Month so tell us, when did you last use math?

7. In honor of the A-Z challenge kicking off on April 1...choose one word beginning with the letter A to describe your yesterday.

8. Insert your own random thought here.