Thursday, April 24, 2014


We're almost at the end of the alphabet, so I guess now is as good a time as any to talk conflict. Ugh. My least favorite thing, in marriage especially, but also in business, in organizations of any kind, in friendships, and in the world at large.

U is for Upset. Ugh. 

I think it can be said that into every marriage some conflict will fall. See posts on E,  F, KL, M, and R, for starters. The scale and scope of that conflict varies, but I don't know any married couples who experience smooth sailing all day, every day, forever and ever amen.

Hubs and I approach conflict from opposite ends of the spectrum.  I hate it with every fiber of my being, and do my best to avoid it at all costs. When tensions rise I have to resist pulling the covers over  my head. I am extremely slow to anger, and honestly I just don't get upset all that easily. However, once I've been drawn into conflict I can carry the hurt around for a while. Nurture it. Pull it out of my pocket and examine it from time to time. Not my best quality, but I'm sure some of you can relate.

Then there is the hubs. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. His fuse lights much faster than mine, but he doesn't let it burn for days or weeks afterwards. He forgives and forgets quickly and easily. I forgive easily too, it's the forgetting I struggle with.

So instead of conflict, how about we talk peace? Because we husbands and wives hold the keys to peace within our marriage and our home. Words said cannot be unsaid. Words heard cannot be unheard. If there is one thing married people learn pretty quickly it's which buttons to push to inflict the most pain. In a heated moment it's so easy to reach for those buttons, but don't. They are not the way to create lasting peace within a marriage.

I think real peace is not possible apart from a relationship with God, so stay close to Him. Some things are better said to Him than to your spouse. We're often told don't go to bed angry, and to a certain extent I agree. I also think sometimes a good nights sleep is exactly what's needed to see your situation with fresh eyes. Most problems look smaller in the daylight than they do in the dark of night.

I've been married nearly thirty years, and each season of life brings with it a particular kind of joy, as well as new challenges. Marriage is a life long committment so you're not going to figure it all out in year one, but year one is a good place to start.  Love each other well. Listen. Learn to express dissatisfaction without being cruel. Forgive and accept forgiveness. Be a peacemaker in your own home.

'Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.' Matthew 5:9


  1. I agree, it's the forgetting.
    I also agree that God is the tie that binds.
    You have done such a nice job all month with this topic of marriage!

  2. I think more people should remember that words cannot be unsaid. I'm like you I can forgive, but the forgetting is harder. And I do think after 30 you learn how to resolve things. A lot of compromise needed for sure!

  3. Excellent post, and one I can relate to. It takes awhile to 'get my Irish up', but then - watch out. Joe is Italian. Enough said. Loud vs Quiet! I've learned to be a little louder, and he has learned to tone it down. We're working on nearly 30 years, too. I am nearly always the peacemker.

  4. Being married for that long is unheard of. Marriage is a give and take/compomise. Thank you for your post, I sure have enjoyed your alphabet. Blessings

  5. Great post Joyce! The forgetting is always hard for me. I anger quickly. Also along the way, which you will see in another 12 years, we change as we age and we must again continue to accept the challenge!

  6. Good advice Joyce. Did you ever consider going into marriage counseling? If not, maybe you should!!

  7. Great advice!! I am rarely made at my hubby...yesterday I was he let me be mad for the night and today he is ignoring the fact I am and was mad and acting normal....his way is are you done....get over it! Really stupid why I am mad I'm trying to prove a point to a man that is all facts and little emotion. Ugh! Have a great weekend!