Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Riding bicycles

Daughter2 has been home for almost two weeks and will return to collegetown on Sunday. It started raining here Saturday night and it was still raining when we went to bed last night. The sun is peeking out this morning but the forecast is for more rain later today. Daughter2 doesn't really mind although she brought summer clothes with her to NJ and it is most definitely not summer. She is happy to sleep til a ridunkulous hour and watch movies and she's read two books just for fun and oh yeah, she has spent a lot of time with me.

Daughter2 and I share some personality traits, one being we are both quite strong willed people. Why do I see my strong will as something positive and hers as something that occasionally needs taming? Perhaps my mother could answer that. Or maybe my husband.

Anyway, daughter2 is a college student too many states away so we don't have an opportunity for face to face talks as often as I would like. Oh we talk often, practically daily, but you can't have great heart to hearts over the phone...you need face time for that kind of talking. We see each other in spurts throughout the year so when we're together for a weekend or a week I feel the need to tell her all the things on my heart relating to her. I am quite certain this drives her a little bit crazy...I know it would me. I try to remember that but am not always successful.

"The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard." ~Sloan Wilson

The truth of those words really hits home during the young adult years. When our children are young the line between parent and child is big and bold but when they hit the young adult years and are real live honest to goodness people it suddenly looks gray and blurry. How much to say and how much to hold back? Advise or let the chips fall where they may? Butt in or stay out? Demand or suggest?

I've noticed something about myself when it comes to parenting. I expect my children to be better than me. Better organized, better disciplined, better at containing their impatience, better at tolerating well intentioned advice, better decision makers, better at mostly everything. My expectations for my children are high and most of the time they exceed them. They inspire me to be better yet they don't demand it or feel let down when I'm not. Would they say the same is true of me? As a parent I think I need to be more like my children.

I think about my girls learning to ride bicycles...daughter1 at age 6. We finally lived somewhere flat with sidewalks. She was hesitant for Daddy to let go but determined to do it herself. She looked back to be sure he was there and ahead to reaching her goal. She kept trying until she got it perfect. She still likes to keep working at things until they are perfect.

Daughter2 was 4 and could barely reach the pedals. That did not deter her one little bit. She hopped on with complete and utter confidence and never looked back. It never occurred to her there was anything to fear. It never occurred to her she wouldn't succeed. Fearless is how she goes thru life....confident and completely certain she will succeed at whatever she tries.

There are days in this season of parenting kids in their early 20's when I need to support and encourage and guide. There are also days when freedom is demanded and must be given. I confess I'm better at the supporting and guiding than I am at that whole freedom thing but I'm learning. Like my kids, I'm a work in progress.

edited to link with Kelly's Korner on 7/29-SUYL Parenting Advice

24 comments:

  1. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I sat down with my husband one day and told him that the time was right for us to step back and let our daughter make her own victories and mistakes. (I think she was in her early 20's) She fell off her "life bike" once and we picked her up, and got her going again. Now she is off living her life and I am proud of the woman she has become.

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  2. Amen and amen! A similar post is brewing in my head now. Funny I don't say, "thoughts"--no, I think in blog posts!

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  3. I am like you fine with guiding/supporting them but have trouble with the FREEDOM! NY City this summer for Ashley - ugh! Have anxiety already about it.

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  4. Wow. So well written Joyce. I'm just hitting this phase with my almost 16 yo. Just the other day I was thinking that I need to step back and start letting her make all the mistakes I am protecting her from but OH IS THAT HARD!

    And yes - I want them to be better than me too. How silly is that?

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  5. I think this is a season of life that all parents go through. It's bittersweet, isn't it?

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  6. I'm so glad I found your blog through Empty Nester! How did you ever manage to leave England. I love it there, and only have visited a handful of times.

    And your post today? It is not easy when the kids grow up and leave home. All of the years when they were younger, we wanted them to grow up and be independent and self sufficient. And the problem is??

    They are.

    LOL

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  7. I don't think I was signed in when I wrote my comment, so the comment about kids growing up to be independent and self sufficient was mine - Cranberry Morning. :-) P.S. I'm your newest follower.

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  8. Joyce, you sound like such a wonderful parent! Very wise words.

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  9. preach it, sista...i'm right there w/ ya!

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  10. "How much to say and how much to hold back? Advise or let the chips fall where they may? Butt in or stay out? Demand or suggest?"
    True-er questions were never asked! I struggle with this every day!

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  11. Great post (as always). I get you too about expecting our kids to be better than us. I often get annoyed when my kids misplace their electronics, yet I am often looking for my misplaced keys or phone myself. It's really not fair to them, but we want more for our kids than want for ourselves. This is at least how I rationalize this behavior.

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  12. this expresses the heart of a parent perfectly. such a great read... but difficult one, for me. my mama heart doesn't like to be reminded that my girls will one day leave our address. ;) is that wrong? *sigh* love the quote, too.

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  13. Yep, I have walked this path. (And have a bitten and sore tongue to prove it.) Then they get married and I've learned to stitch my mouth shut. I goofed a few times with the oldest though. He's very forgiving. I guess he has to be because we've practiced and screwed up on him his whole life. Poor guy.

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  14. Great post, Joyce! You are on a roll lately :)
    I still find myself asking "Should I say something or not?" I think experience is usually the best teacher, but it's hard to keep quiet when it's our children.

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  15. So true! i struggle with wondering which times need freedom and which times need guidance. Inevitably I seem to choose the wrong one! It helps sometimes that my husband and I seem to balance each other out in that respect. We each keep the other just sane enough to keep from pushing our children over the edge. : )

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  16. Each stage in raising our children there are new lessons to be learned. I must say that I do love the adult stage. Like tomorrow we are all going to Disneyland and taking adult children is awesome, however I do long for the days of having grandchildren.

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  17. Great post...loved reading it and was glad I stopped in tonight...Have a good weekend

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  18. It is a tricky time. The constant uncertainty of when to speak and when to hold it back. It's wearying, you know?

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  19. I couldn't have said it better myself. A great post! But, just wait until those girls marry! Oh, my goodness, sometimes it's just so tough not to give your two cents worth and I have to remind myself that they are really are grown and on their own. Blessings!

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  20. What a beautiful post. It is very hard to not jump in and yell"Stop growing up!". It is hard to let go and them fly. There are stages for parents as well. One day, Lord willing, you will see your daughter holding her daughter and words will not come to you because there are no words for that picture, just tears of joy and love.

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  21. This was very well-written! Look at you! You've got skills! (or skillz)

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  22. It so incredibly difficult to sit back and let them make their own mistakes and pray that they'll learn from them. Especially when you're a control freak...not that I am! :D

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  23. How did I miss this the first time around?

    Oh. my. word. You hit the nail on the head when it comes to parenting ... it's a tight-wire act to find the correct balance. I kept reminding myself that God loved DD even more than I did. ;-)

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  24. ' I expect my children to be better than me'

    Oh ouch. Color me convicted.
    Thank you for that.

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