Monday, April 8, 2013

G is for Grief

There were many words I considered using for the letter G today...giggles, girls, graceful...each of these could be easily matched to any number of miscellaneous pictures pulled from my brown paper bag.

Instead, I've settled on this one-grief.

When the A-Z challenge first began, I couldn't tell you precisely what I'd find in my photo stash, only that I had a rough idea of the content. I knew there were too many soccer pictures, lots of shots snapped on sunny summer days, and plenty with little girls playing pretend.

I grab an envelope and peek inside.

There, squished between her two girl cousins, is my niece.  A picture taken on a long ago December day when little girls loved Barney and still believed in Santa.


Like grief itself, I feel something visceral. The photo catches me off guard...it sends my stomach rolling, but I cannot look away. I feel a surge of joy but I buckle my seat belt anyway. Like a roller coaster rising higher and higher, I have learned this year to clench my stomach and brace for the familiar drop.

We're told by the experts that grief follows a pattern. We're told there are stages in grieving...that every  single person walks through them in an order that is predictable, yet for all that communal emotion I've found grief to be a very singular experience.


We talk, we hug, we laugh at the memories that have always made us laugh, and cry for a future that will never be. We do all of these things in some combination of family and that helps, but grief is still a dragon to be conquered, or at least tamed.  While its stages may be predictable, the beast itself is sneaky and we each rage against it in our own dark of night.

You drown a little and you come up for air. You put one foot in front of the other every single day until you're months out from the worst day of your life. You think maybe you've found your equilibrium again, and to a degree you have.

Until a song comes on the radio. Until that funny expression you identify with one so small crops up in some unexpected place. Until you pull a photo from a brown paper bag and are struck by the sweetness of a smile and a moment caught in time.

You hold the picture in your hand and realize that you're smiling too.
You admit that grief is complicated...


You know that love is not. 

28 comments:

  1. Grief is not over quickly, and though we know that God's hand is in our lives, we still miss those taken from us and grieve - as we would if someone had moved so far away that we would never see them again. But it sounds like from the rest of your posts here, that you know that you will see her again.

    AtoZ Challenge
    www.mainelywrite.blogspot.com

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  2. Y'all know that she's up there, looking after you, making sure you don't forget her! :)

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  3. H follows G! Hope always follows Grief. Hope for the future. Anna had great Hope even through her death she exemplified hope. It is what makes Anna's death so difficult for our Daley family. Anna's G was God and that is why we smile when we think of Anna. Anna's H was in G! Hope in God .......He never failed her. Thanks for remembering my beautiful girl, Joyce.

    Lisa

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  4. Oh how grief can tear at our hearts and raise it's ugly head over and over. And yet our God brings such comfort and peace and hope right smack in the middle of it all. Glad you have such beautiful memories of this precious girl.

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  5. This is a beautiful and accurate description of the grief process. Thank you for sharing it. I especially was moved by the roller coaster analogy as that has been my experience as well.

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  6. This is lovely Joyce. Grief can sneak up on you and lay you low, but God is good to remind us of the memories and love that were shared. His kiss on the cheek to us.

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  7. What a legacy your niece left, a legacy of hope in the midst of grief. A legacy of joy, that you can smile at the photos even as your heart is being ripped out again as you pore through your brown paper bag of memories.

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  8. Dear Joyce, Grief is such a hard thing. I knew before you did that you would be on a roller coaster. Time. It's so cliche, but it is true. As time goes on, the memories begin to comfort and no longer rip your heart out. Although, last night, as I lay in bed praying I thought of my daughter, now gone for 28 years, and my heart broke all over again. Sending hugs to you.

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  9. what a beautiful post on grief, you captured it <3

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  10. Aww, what a beautiful post, Joyce. Well, done.

    I also enjoyed the previous "F" post. You are on a roll, my friend!

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  11. Beautiful, beautiful post that truly touches on the emotions that come hand in hand with grief. Thank you for this- I am sure many of us can relate.

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  12. Very touching and heart felt, we have to feel grief when there are hard things to bear in our life.

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  13. Ah yes, grief is very complicated. How do we cherish our memories without experiencing sadness too...day by day, month by month...

    This was really beautiful, Joyce.

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  14. Beautiful post, Joyce, and bravely written. Grief and loss are so complicated. There's a family in our church who lost a 2 year old to drowning last summer. Even the grief of the community was intense. Then a couple months go by and people go back to their usual business. But we know that family, although trying to go about their usual business, is often caught off guard by huge waves of grief. And then our hearts ache for them, for we know it's still there, even though rarely spoken of.

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  15. What a great post! And you never know what is going to trigger those memories. Bittersweet memories!
    until next time...nel

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  16. ((HUGS)) I think about you and your husband, your daughters and your nieces parents/family often, keeping you all in my prayers.

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  17. What beautiful writing. This is a very touching piece on grief. Thank you for sharing it. I've been enjoying your posts.

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  18. Grief knows no time line of healing. It never disappears, it just retreats for a bit only to emerge when least expected. Like when you see that photo.

    Thank you for sharing this today.

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  19. your a great writer! Nice to see you today.

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  20. Yeah.

    I don't have much to add to any of this. Some of the grief I felt/feel is just there in the background, never forgotten , but not as strong as it was. Others are always there.

    --
    Tim Brannan
    The Other Side and The Witch
    Red Sonja: She-Devil with a Sword
    The Freedom of Nonbelief

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  21. Thank you Joyce for putting this into words. It is complicated but also very simple...I just miss her.

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  22. I hate that you and your family are having to experience this pain and sadness...but the love your family has will make you strong and carry you. ((hugs))

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  23. What a lovely tribute to your sweet niece. Yes, grief is so different for everyone and definitely comes in phases and sometimes when we are least expecting it. Another great post!

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  24. Ah, such sweet memories! I've got three girls and we're home schooling this year. We're taking pictures of our journey and doing all kinds of field trips together. The time has been precious. We have the warnings of a blizzard tomorrow, so I've called PJ Day and school by the fire. Blessings!!

    Blogging A to Z Challenge http://www.shellygoodmanwright.com/apps/blog/show/25492250-g-is-for-guilty

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  25. I said nearly the same thing about grief to someone the other day - it's so common and so personal all at once. I know this though: we grieve hardest over those we hold most dear.

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  26. Great memories!

    Sometimes it is a smell, or a phrase I hear someone say that reminds me of my father. Grief is so hard to describe.

    www.wearinglemon.blogspot.com

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  27. All I can say is, you nailed it. It's just like that.

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  28. Grief is not easy to handle. It hurts and it always comes back around. But that's because of love. If you love them, you can grieve for them, but there comes a time when you have to let go and learn to be happy again. Even if it comes back around for another visit.

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