Weekend Chatter

Good Monday morning. I hope you had a nice weekend...here's how ours looked-

 

I spent most of Friday getting food prepped for a Saturday brunch with my sister and niece. I made a sausage and egg casserole and a new recipe that jumped out at me when I was scrolling the endless black hole known as the internet-Orange Cream Cheese Loaf. 

I'd say it's more cake than bread, but it was light, fresh, and tasty. I squeezed the orange for the juice which I think gave it that extra brightness. 

Did I take a picture of the loaf before I cut it?

No I did not. I was pretty slack in general in the photo department this weekend. I mean it was sunny and busy and I had family here and I don't always think about snapping a picture in the middle of living life. 

Also,  I'm gonna go ahead and say here that I'm cooked out right now. We had an easy taco dinner Friday night because one of the grands had T-ball practice and tacos seemed like something we could make and eat beforehand. I also stated for the record on Friday that I would not be cooking dinner on Saturday or Sunday. 

My sister and niece live a little over an hour from me but they hadn't had a chance to see Daughter1 and my son-in-law since they returned from their UK stint. Between the sickness and the travel and everyone's schedules and already full calendars it took a while to get a date on the calendar. 

I invited them for brunch and hubs made his famous hand crafted Bloody Marys and the sun shone and the kids were sweet. Pretty much a perfect afternoon. 

They stayed and visited for a while and we sat outside chatting and soaking up the sun.  After they left we watched basketball (Go VOLS!) and relaxed. There's a Korean restaurant in our tiny town that we hadn't tried yet, and who better to go to a Korean restaurant with than people who know and love the food? 

My middle grandson will tell you mandu is his favorite food and they order their beef bulgogi like the dining pros they are which is super cute. 

Hubs and I try to walk everyday in the neighborhood and I love the flowering trees whispering spring is here. 

Spring finds a way, right? 

Ans of course blooming things mean pollen and it's basically a cloud of yellow everywhere you turn, and we're not even to the worst of it yet. We press on. 

The boys all went to watch the Clemson baseball game on Sunday afternoon and my daughter and I settled in to watch the Ruby Franke story on Hulu (Devil In The Family: The Fall of Ruby Franke). Have you seen this? I never followed her online but millions did.  Several million actually. What a sad, strange story of our times. What a nightmare these children experienced and continue to live with. It's only three episodes so not a huge investment of time.

The guys had great seats for the baseball game and were on TV every other minute which was fun to see. Hubs texted and asked us to try to take a picture and I had to tell him we changed the channel because we were deep into the Ruby saga. 

The boys came in chattering (even the grown up boys) because it was probably the most exciting college baseball game ever with the hometown team pulling off a win at the last minute after being behind most of the game. 

More importantly I kept my promise and didn't cook dinner. Daughter1 threw together some pasta with tomatoes, garlic, basil, and Parmesan cheese and we had a small bowl of that which was just right. 

And that's the weekend in a nutshell. Or fourteen paragraphs. Whatever. It was nice and I hope yours was too! 

Linking today like I do every Monday, with Holly and Sarah for their weekend recap blog hop. Feel free to join the party! 

Good Day Sunshine

Hello friends. We've had an absolutely gorgeous fall weekend here weather wise and it looks to be more of the same all week. I'm joining Holly and Sarah for their weekend recap link today so here we go-

First of all, it's hard to get things done when you have a brand new waterfall in your backyard. 

Especially on a sunny day. I kind of just want to hang out here and think deep thoughts or nothing at all.  Our travels and the busy days following have caught up with us and we were feeling it this weekend. At one point on Saturday I knew hubs had gone outside to sort out a few things and when I went looking for him he was sacked out in the hammock. Just taking a little rest he said lol. 

Let's back up to Friday. I spent the afternoon with a little baking project I'll talk more about later, but suffice it to say I made the biggest mess in my kitchen and when I was three quarters of the way through friends dropped by the dock to say hi. Hubs invited them up and I'm not kidding when I say there was sugar on every surface of my kitchen. 

These friends had never actually been inside my house before so 'oh hi, don't put your hand down on my countertop or you might be stuck there permanently'. I decided to finish the baking project later and have a glass of wine on the deck instead. In my apron, but hey that's lake life. Come as you are. 

We chatted for a while then they boated on home. Hubs fired up the new griddle while I tried to put the kitchen in to some sort of order and then we had our first BBQ in the new space. 

The chef's view is a win-

We made fajitas and by we I mean hubs grilled everything and I watched. They were delish. 

Saturday morning was another beauty. You should know I take a million pictures of the sunrise this time of year. It's the best. 

Does your neighborhood Boo people? It's a thing as Halloween approaches where someone secretly leaves a bag or bucket or box of goodies on your porch with a message inside that tells you to now go do the same for another neighbor. There's a foam pumpkin in the bag too,  that gets hung on your mailbox so you know who has been boo-ed and who hasn't. 

I snapped a picture of what was in my bucket...two cute pumpkin coffee mugs, some cinnamon flavored coffee, a fall kitchen towel and pot holder, two jumbo Reese's cups, a little cup filled with snickers bites along with candy corn and a decorative pumpkin.  

I'm not going to say what I put in the bag I gave away because a few neighbors read here and it's supposed to be hush hush. 

Except everyone in my neighborhood has cameras so it's hard to be too hush hush. I dropped mine off after dark and donned a baseball cap and a dark jacket to make the delivery. It's a fun little neighborly thing to do this time of year and I enjoy seeing what people put in their bags.

Hubs and I spent Saturday mostly trying to get the house cleaned and ready for company on Sunday. I finally tackled all the bathrooms and he vacuumed and then we both conked out and watched football. 

The Vols. Have mercy. That game was so painful to watch. Will they ever play a game where we're not yelling at the TV? A win is a win, but it was not pretty. Or quiet. 

The lake this time of year often looks 'smoky' early morning and Sunday was one of those times. It's called steam fog and it happens when warm water vapor rises from the lake into cooler air to form a mist you can see. It adds a mysterious quality to the early morning and I love it. 

Sunday was a fun family day. My momma and my younger sister and her family plus two of my nephew's friends all flew to SC for the weekend. My older sister lives about an hour from here and they were with her on Saturday then everyone came here on Sunday. 

Half of the crew came early so they could swim and have lots of lake time, the other half came a little later. Hubs and my brother-in-law took the boys for a boat ride while my sister and I sat by the waterfall and got caught up. We don't have a lot of time where it's just the two of us so this was really nice. 

The pup even got in on the action and hopped on a paddle board. The boys swam and kayaked and played corn hole and pool and they couldn't have asked for better October weather. The lake is still warm enough for swimming and the air was 82 degrees on Sunday so plenty warm out of the water too.

My sister brought my mom out to the lake later and my niece and her husband came too, so a houseful. A patio full? Hubs grilled burgers and wings and we put a couple of tables in the new outdoor dining area and declared it open. 

Furniture, fans, and lights will come later, but on Sunday we made do with what we had and it was better than fine. 

My younger sister has a birthday in about three weeks, but because we're almost never together on our birthdays I decided to get her a cake and celebrate a little early. 

It was a fun surprise. This was from our Publix bakery, and I don't know who did the decorating but they had some serious skill with a pastry tip. We all thought it was the prettiest writing on any cake we've seen. 

It was a great day. As the saying goes...I'm glad I live in a world where there are Octobers. 

And sisters too. 

So Happy Together

How is everyone on this spectacular Monday morning afternoon? I hope your weather is as lovely as ours. How can anyone not love autumn? 

Remember when I said August was busy around here? Well October is coming in a close second with grandchildren in the house, my niece's wedding with lots of out of town family here to celebrate, my momma staying on for a couple of weeks after, hubs trekking to South Dakota for a pheasant hunt and just so many everyday life happenings on the calendar. Whew. 

I guess life slowing down is an illusion and we're okay with that. I mean sometimes we want a nap but really we're okay with full. 

cousin crew

So...a week and two days ago my niece tied the knot with her favorite guy and y'all...all of my children and all of my in-law children and all of my siblings and my momma were here for it. I can't remember the last time all of my siblings were together. 

I want to say it was Christmas of 2017 which doesn't sound right but photos do not lie. We have been together in various combinations of two or three, but all of us plus my mom in the same place at the same time? It's been a good long while.   

Friday night hubs and I met my brother and younger sister and their spouses for dinner downtown. There was a huge and well attended festival happening in the small big city this same weekend so it was a little bit nuts trying to get ourselves parked, but we did it and we ate in a restaurant we hadn't tried before so that was fun. 

Afterwards we walked around some before meeting up with the rehearsal dinner crew, which included both of my girls and both of their husbands. This weekend was the first time my sons in law had met in person, which seems crazy and in any other decade would have been, but connecting in the 2020's has not been simple. 

The wedding was Saturday evening and the venue was gorgeous. Tucked away out of the downtown area, but not too far out of the downtown area, with a view of the mountains and a secret garden vibe, these two cuties said I Do. 

The weather was fabulous the entire day and the entire night except for the thirty minute ceremony slot where the skies opened up just a little. Nothing terrible although our hair might say otherwise, but on the literal bright side-

Not every bride gets a rainbow on her wedding day. 

Sunday morning Daughter1 headed to her in-laws to collect her boys and bring them to the hotel so they could meet what I'm sure felt like everyone in the universe. It was so much fun. 

I loved watching them soak up all the love a big loud funny family brings to the table, and it just made my heart want to burst. My own girls have so enjoyed and benefited from having lots of aunts and uncles in their lives who support and love them more than words can say and these little boys are the next generation to be scooped up into that embrace. So precious and such a gift, one I don't take for granted. 

My younger sister, her husband, and my nephew had a later flight out that evening so we had brunch with them downtown then they drove out to the lake and my nephew went swimming with our pup. Yes it's mid-October, but it was plenty warm and the water even warmer and he was a happy camper. 

So was my nephew-ha! 

My mom isn't flying home for another week or so and my older sister (aka mother of the bride) and I have been sharing time with her. My sister lives about an hour from me so there's some back and forth in terms of miles but we've made it work and it's been nice to have this relaxed time with my mom. 

Hubs has gone on the hunt for birds of the pheasant variety way out west so it's just us girls for a few days. We're working puzzles, playing cards, and soaking up the glorious weather all from the cozy comfort of my porches.  

I was reminded this weekend of how very much we need our people. Not just on facetime or via text, but in person, beside us on the couch, eating at our dinner tables, giggling over something funny or talking over some bit of everyday ordinary life because those things are more easily shared when you're skin to skin as opposed to screen to screen. 

We are made for being together. 

Autumn Leaves And Pumpkins Please

Let's start on a high happy note...the weather. It has been absolutely spectacular here these past few days and we've been soaking up the sunshine, low humidity, and still warm waters of the lake. Yes we are swimming in late September and early October looks promising too. 

I am not going to host a Wednesday Hodgepodge this week (Sept 29) because I plan to be busy entertaining the cutest little punkins in the world while their parents have a mini-holiday and attend a wedding in Charleston. They arrive tomorrow and we are planning all manner of fun while they're in the house. The Hodgepodge will be back to it's regular programming the week after (October 6). 

Can you believe it's October???

Well, almost October???

I bought a couple of small pumpkins today that I will let the boys paint and I've pulled out a few of my fall decorations too. I bought a couple of mums for my front porch but need to make another trip to the nursery so I can replace dead summer plant pots with the colors of fall. My favorite. 

I looked back through my photos to see how we've been filling the time, and I guess you might say we've spent it enjoying the little things.  

Cool mornings with a blanket on my lap, coffee cup in hand while the fire dances and the sun rises. Lots of in person time with friends and neighbors... college football watched and some hand wringing too, good books read, identifying planets in the night sky while the moon shines like a spotlight on the lake.  

Did I already tell you fall is my favorite? 

We have also pretty much devoted ourselves full time to keeping our pup in one of the top ten positions in the Garden and Gun Magazine dog photo contest. He has moved from no place, to ninth place, to currently 5th place out of a few thousand dogs, and he's still going strong. It has been a lot of fun and if you're one of the many who have voted we thank you. 

Also, keep voting because our competition never sleeps-ha! The link is here- Garden and Gun Good Dog Photo Contest link . If you haven't voted it's not too late...it's easy, free, and we've got to keep this momentum up until the 8th which means I'll probably mention it again (and again).  

I think this is the only magazine we still subscribe to because the aesthetic is lovely and every issue is full of delicious recipes, interesting places to go-see-do, and usually dogs, particularly the sporting breeds. If you love the south, southern food especially, the outdoor life, travel, music, and the sporting culture you would most likely enjoy it too. 

In other news, my niece is getting married in a couple of weeks and I am super excited not only for her big happy day, but also to have both girls and both of my sons-in-law on the same terra firma. Fun fact-my sons-in-law have never met one another in person because the stupid you-know-what prevented the South Korean contingent from attending Daughter2's wedding back in January. 

Another fun fact-my son-in-law (the recent groom) has never met Daughter1 in person (thank goodness for Facetime), or the cutest little men on the planet, aka his nephews, so we are all so excited... for the wedding, for family togetherness, for the beauty of fall, and for love all around. 

Happy fall y'all...may the beauty of the earth this time of year remind you that you're known and loved by the Maker and Creator of it all. 

Who What Where When Why

My brother supplied the word of the day today and it's a toughie. I had to really think about how to incorporate this one into a blog post because I think this word has the potential to rile people up and I am all about not riling people up, particularly the day before Easter.

Day 10-J is for Journalism

We could ask what is journalism in 2020? What does that word mean in the era of social media where everybody and their brother has an opinion and a keyboard and a platform? Where who we look to as an actual authority on a particular subject is open for debate? 

Where we have entire websites devoted to fact checking every spoken and written word but don't know if we can trust the fact checkers? Where news people no longer make any attempts at hiding their political biases on either side of the fence? Where how someone feels about the way something is said matters more than the facts of the matter. 

Let's talk about Easter, k? Specifically this sweet picture- 

And we're going to do it the old fashioned way, using the standard 5Ws taught to high school journalism students about 100 years ago. 

Who? There's my dad with his infectious grin and my blue eyed baby girl in his arms. And there's my niece and my girl wishing mom would take the picture already.

Some things don't change. 

What? Doing what children have always done the weekend before Easter. Dropping eggs from a bit too high a distance into plastic cups of dye on a plastic cloth covered table. Raise your hand if you or a child you know dyed eggs this weekend. 

Tradition is a little bit like glue. It holds families together apart. 

When? 1991. I can still feel the sweetness from some 29 years away. 

Where? My parent's kitchen. The one where so many of my dearest and favorite memories are lodged. Where my mom cooked a thousand trillion meals. Where we were taught to 'put your napkin in your lap' and 'Mabel Mabel if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.' 

Where grace was said and floors were swept and whose turn it was to wash and dry was a debate for the ages. Or till Dad stepped in. 

Where new generations joined the party and the beat rolled on. 

Mostly life is full of change. 

Why? Why what? Why do babies grow up and move oceans away? Why do granddads leave us far too soon? Why do little girls worm their way into your heart and leave their mark in every nook and cranny forever and ever amen? Why are grown up children smart and able yet always and forever the little girls captured in a photo snapped three decades before? 

Memory and forward motion can live side by side. 

How? How do we celebrate Easter in this strange new world? How do we get back to the life that was before? Will we? Do we even want to? Will we emerge from this time of social isolation changed in some way? 

How can we not? 

Life is full of change. 

On Easter I hold tightly to what never changes-

God's love for each one of us. 

So deep and so wide nothing can ever separate us from it. 

Not our fears for today or our worries for tomorrow. 

It brings light and hope to a world full of questions with no easy answers. 

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. 

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim. In the light of His glory and grace." 

I Had A Feeling

Anybody sense what today's word in the April A-Z Blog Challenge might be?

Day 9-I is for Intuition

Today's word is courtesy of my niece. I had a feeling she'd pick a good one-ha! I didn't really have a feeling. I knew she'd pick an interesting word because she's an avid reader and a fellow lover of words. In this case my feeling wasn't based on intuition, it was based on actually knowing her in person and expecting her to act accordingly. 

When I was growing up the word female was commonly placed before the word intuition, so we knew this mysterious phenomenon as 'female intuition'. I guess that's no longer pc, but women in particular do seem to have a sixth sense about certain things. 

There's loads of research and opinion on the topic, but in a nutshell intuition is when our brain uses past experience and present day cues to make a decision, all with lightning speed. So much so that we're not even aware of how we landed where we landed. We just know. 

There's also something going on inside our bodies that might give us what's described as a 'gut feeling'. These gut feelings signal the brain and also give us pause. At least they do if we acknowledge them and pay attention. 

Was there ever a time when you did or did not do something based on a 'gut feeling'? Your intuition? I can't think of something specific, but I know there have been many times I've had a sixth sense about my children. And almost always when I have a sense something is off with one of them, it is. 

I think we should pay attention to our intuition, but we also need to figure out what role our emotions might be playing too. Am I really just afraid to do xyz or is this my intuition telling me to hang on a second, take a step back, look more carefully at the situation?

I also think for Christians the Holy Spirit is a guiding factor in our decision making process, and is a more powerful force than human intuition alone. Sometimes we hear the Holy Spirit described as a still small voice, but how do we know if its something we're actually hearing or something we're telling ourselves?  For me personally, the only thing that works is to quiet my mind, read His word, and pray for direction, trusting He'll direct my steps. 

Still I don't think our human intuition should be ignored and I for one will always make that phone call/send that text asking 'Everything okay?' when my gut tells me maybe everything is not okay. 

Whew. This was a lot to think about on a Friday, wasn't it?

Five Minutes of More

It's Friday which means time to join others over at Kate Motaung's blog for the Five Minute Friday
link-up. This is where we write for five solid minutes on a one-word prompt, no editing, no over-thinking.  

Sounds simple, right? Why not give it a try?

Today's prompt-more

When my girls were young one of their favorite books to hear read aloud was one entitled More More More Said The Baby: Three love Stories by Vera Williams. It's sweet and simple and my girls and I can still recite it from memory. I gave the book to my niece when she was a tiny tot as a gift from her cousins, and I wrote a little message from my daughters inside the front cover. Her mama read it to her from time to time, snuggled up close as mamas and babies do when reading bedtime books and saying bedtime prayers.

At my daughter's baby shower last month my sister-in-law wrapped up that baby book More More More, and gave it back to my girl. A treasured keepsake to read to her new baby boy due this summer.  A happy event. Joyful. Too wonderful for words, yet tears ran down my daughter's cheek and a lump grew large in my throat.

In just over a week our family will mark the five year anniversary of my funny, beautiful, brave niece's death.

Writing that sentence feels cruel, like I've dropped something harsh and unexpected into what readers thought was going to be a gentle and precious memory shared. There is never any way to say it without saying it.

She was seventeen years old and we wanted more.

More days, more years, more life.

More Christmases in the mountains, more birthdays, more time.

What we got instead were more tears, more heartache, more pain than we ever thought possible.

When a child dies you're not the same. Our family is not the same. But God...

I think God in His infinite wisdom and mercy designed time as a healer of sorts, even when you wish it weren't so. It's through the passing of time He allows us to look back at our lives and see in hindsight what we couldn't know in the middle of a grief that raged.

To look at the rubble and find a diamond there.

Do we understand it? No. Not then, not now.
Can we rest in the knowledge that He holds the universe in His hand?

We can. We do. Through the unbearable ache of loss we see time in a new and different way.

Ever so slowly we've come to a place where there's joy again in our together times, where laughter bubbles to the surface unprompted, and where love of family wraps itself around you like a blanket set gently across your shoulders on a cool spring night.

Where the ache, still ever present, is not always quite so sharp and killing.

God gave us more.

More, more, more.

More strength, more faith, more peace.

More questions. More longing for heaven.

More of Himself in the dark dead of night and the bright light of day.

Grace and The Wednesday Hodgepodge

Welcome to this week's edition of the Wednesday Hodgepodge...everyone is welcome to play along by answering the questions on your own blog, then hopping back here to add your link to the list. I do hope you'll take just a minute to read my random thought today (#8) and visit the website I've posted there.

Here we go~

1. When the children of today grow up, what do you think they'll say about this period in time?  What do you most hope they remember?

I think they'll laugh at our old fashioned technology. I imagine more than a few will wish they'd pulled their pants up and worn their ball caps the right way round. 

They'll likely remember a country divided, but one where shoots of optimism still made their way out of the ground. I suspect they'll view their elected officials and the so-called news media with a healthy dose of skepticism, born in the decades of their childhood. Sadly they'll also remember where they were when particular acts of terrorism were committed. 

What do I hope they most remember? That no matter what circumstance this tired troubled earth finds herself in, the One who made her has always had the whole world in His hands.

2. National Teacher's Day is celebrated in the US of A on the first Tuesday in May, this year May 7th...share how a particular teacher positively influenced you.

I loved my first grade teacher...I wanted her to adopt me, and I'm only half kidding. She definitely had that magic touch all first grade teachers should posses.  When it comes to influence though, I'd say my English teacher, junior year of high school. He had a reputation for being super tough, and he was, but he told me I could write and encouraged me in that vein. He also fed my love of reading by recommending books I probably wouldn't have gravitated to otherwise...Rebecca for one, Anna Karenina for another.

3. What's a dish your mama made, that if set in front of you today would whisk you right back to childhood?

So many, but I'm going with meatloaf.  When I make meatloaf I think of weeknight dinners growing up, my mom sometimes making it ahead and leaving my sister and I a note to pop it in the oven with some baked potatoes so it would be ready when she got home from work.  My mom worked part time when we were teenagers and often left dinner nearly ready with a note for us to finish the cooking.  I still love my mom's meatloaf and so does hubs. I know there are all sorts of probably great meatloaf recipes out there, but I never mess with mine. 

4.  Mother May I was a game we played when I was growing up...no pieces, parts, or plugs required.  What games from childhood do you remember loving that were also pieces, parts, and plug free?

My favorite was Kick the Can which technically required a part, namely a big tin can we pulled out of someone's rubbish bin and rinsed out. I think the big Hawaiian Punch/Hi-C cans worked best, and since juices come in plastic bottles now I imagine its a little challenging to find a big tin can in 2013. Do they even make Hawaiian Punch anymore?

5. Besides your own mother, tell us about a woman who influenced you as a child.

One that comes to mind would be my next door neighbor. She had two little girls and I spent hours at her house when I was a teenager, talking her ear off.  She exuded a true calm and gentle spirit and had such a sweet soft patience with her daughters that I knew I wanted to emulate someday.  

I've never forgotten her, and as I've mothered my own daughters through the years, her example is often the one in my head.  

6. Mamma Mia!  What's the best play or musical you've ever seen?

Phantom of the Opera is my all time fave, but Jersey Boys ranks right up there too. Mamma Mia is definitely one of the most fun, especially at the end with the audience up on their feet singing along to the Abba songs. Go ahead and say you're not an Abba fan...if you see Mamma Mia I promise you'll be singing along too.  

My real honest to goodness favorite would be the Middle School production of Guys and Dolls we saw way back in 2004. Daughter2 was Adelaide and honestly, it was like she was born to play that role. I'm smiling just thinking about it. 

7. What are three smells that make you feel nostalgic?

freshly mown grass, the woods in early morning, a just-lit charcoal grill

8.  Insert your own random thought here.

One year ago today my beautiful niece passed away.  

It has been a hard year, a year filled with the kinds of firsts nobody wants to experience. A year filled with heartache, but never ever without hope. 

A year where I have felt the deep truth in words penned by Jesus' own brother-

"...yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14

Those words are no truer for the sick than for the healthy, no truer for the old than the young.  They stop me in my tracks and cause me to consider how I'm spending the minutes and the hours of my days.  How am I loving the people God has put in my path?

  

My brother in law, uncle to our very special niece, is a talented musician. He's releasing a brand new CD this month entitled Holding Hands with Grace, and the title song in particular is one near and dear to our hearts. He wrote this song in honor of Anna, and it's absolutely beautiful.  

You can purchase the song or the entire album by clicking the 'to buy' link on his website (http://www.bo-weevil.com/home.cfm) 

All proceeds from the download of the title song, Holding Hands with Grace, will go to the Anna Daley Fighting Saint Scholarship established in our niece's honor at St. Charles East High School. The St. Charles East team name is The Fighting Saints...a God wink if ever there was one.  

 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning.  Great is Your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23

G is for Grief

There were many words I considered using for the letter G today...giggles, girls, graceful...each of these could be easily matched to any number of miscellaneous pictures pulled from my brown paper bag.

Instead, I've settled on this one-grief.

When the A-Z challenge first began, I couldn't tell you precisely what I'd find in my photo stash, only that I had a rough idea of the content. I knew there were too many soccer pictures, lots of shots snapped on sunny summer days, and plenty with little girls playing pretend.

I grab an envelope and peek inside.

There, squished between her two girl cousins, is my niece.  A picture taken on a long ago December day when little girls loved Barney and still believed in Santa.

Like grief itself, I feel something visceral. The photo catches me off guard...it sends my stomach rolling, but I cannot look away. I feel a surge of joy but I buckle my seat belt anyway. Like a roller coaster rising higher and higher, I have learned this year to clench my stomach and brace for the familiar drop.

We're told by the experts that grief follows a pattern. We're told there are stages in grieving...that every  single person walks through them in an order that is predictable, yet for all that communal emotion I've found grief to be a very singular experience.

We talk, we hug, we laugh at the memories that have always made us laugh, and cry for a future that will never be. We do all of these things in some combination of family and that helps, but grief is still a dragon to be conquered, or at least tamed.  While its stages may be predictable, the beast itself is sneaky and we each rage against it in our own dark of night.

You drown a little and you come up for air. You put one foot in front of the other every single day until you're months out from the worst day of your life. You think maybe you've found your equilibrium again, and to a degree you have.

Until a song comes on the radio. Until that funny expression you identify with one so small crops up in some unexpected place. Until you pull a photo from a brown paper bag and are struck by the sweetness of a smile and a moment caught in time.

You hold the picture in your hand and realize that you're smiling too.
You admit that grief is complicated...

You know that love is not. 

Auld Lang Syne

Can a blogger let a year end without saying a word?  I don't think so.

It's the last day of 2012.  I know some bloggers are doing a little recap of their year in pictures, but I'm going to use just words today.

I'm glad to see this year end. When I think back over these last twelve months I have to dig deep for the happy pieces. Life is rarely an all or nothing proposition, so of course there have been hours and days and weeks filled with happy moments.  I think back and I remember...a big trip, a graduation, birthdays, reunions...memories made and cherished. These memories and moments bring a smile to my heart, but it's a smile that's not quite whole.  Everything in our world this year has been painted over with a watercolor sadness we could not escape. It's been a year filled with grieving, of knitting our family together when something precious is missing.

There is no way to go but through.

Around or over are always easier.  

I've learned a lot this year.

I've hurt a lot this year.

I've loved a lot this year.

God is so good.  How often do we toss that little phrase out there without really thinking about the height and depth and breadth of what it means?  In this year we're bidding adieu I've thought about it. So many of the verses I learned as a child were made real to me in 2012.

He is near to the broken hearted.  

He is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in times of trouble.

His peace is not like the peace the world gives.

Nothing can separate us from His love.  

Daughter1 and I recently had a conversation about how it will feel when the calendar turns at the stroke of midnight. We know its not a magic cure-all for whatever hard things we faced the day before, but there is something about a new year that brings a renewed sense of hope to a weary heart.

Our hearts are weary.
But they are full of hope.

'Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning.  Great is Your faithfulness.'  Lamentations 3:22-23

In the Shadow of the Mountain

My Monday posts normally fall under the heading of weekend recap and are accompanied by not so deep thoughts. It's late in the day and I feel like I want to say something about the weekend but am not sure exactly what or how much.

We spent the weekend with extended family, gathering for a small private service in honor of my niece in the place she loved best-the Smoky Mountains of East Tennessee. All the people she loved best were there too.

Her whole family.

Both sides.

A swirling twirling contradiction of laughter and tears.

Love and heartbreak.

Memory and Absence.

Cousins on each side linked by the cousin not there. I couldn't help but smile and think how much my niece would love to know that the cousins on her dad's side felt an instant kinship with the cousins on her mom's side. United in their grief but also something deeper.

I'm not going to say much about the weekend because its just too hard, too painful, and too private for this public place. At the same time no words doesn't feel right either.

I listened to my daughter play the song Blessed Be Your Name on her guitar Saturday night. I haven't heard her play in years and sitting on a deck surrounded by the magnificence of the mountains, I felt my heart well up with the most confusing mixture of joy and sadness I have ever known.

Those lyrics danced into the evening air and have been playing across my brain ever since. I know many people, maybe even most people, struggle at some point in their lives with matters of faith. Is God real? Is God who He says He is? If God is truly who He says He is then why do bad things happen to good people? Can I believe what the Bible tells me?

I know people ask these questions all the time, they wrestle with the very nature of who God is or even IF God is, but in my own life, I have never doubted the existence or sovereignty of God.

Until now I guess my life has felt mostly golden. I don't mean to imply there's never been anything sad or hard come my way. I think everyone experiences some measure of that on planet Earth, but for me, this present circumstance?

It stands alone.

There is a shadow that sits at the edge of our every day. Somedays its a dull ache and somedays its a tsunami. A virtual tidal wave of sorrow whose depth seems to know no end. It is your own pain yes, but it's more than your own. It's the tear sliding from your child's eye when they don't know you're looking. That tiny tear lands like a boulder upon your heart. You are also witness to a grandparent's worst nightmare. Most of all, you try to comprehend the incomprehensible- a mother and father with hearts splintered into a million trillion pieces.

What to do when darkness comes? When life suddenly spirals out of control in some cruel twist of fate. When the well of sorrow feels bottomless? When there is no answer to the only question for which you seek an answer- "Why?"

Do I reject all that I have known and believed in the face of something that feels like it could swallow a family up whole?

Or do I push my faith out as far as it will possibly go and finally know for myself, at the age of 51, that the well does indeed have a bottom. And that bottom is rock solid. It is at the bottom of the well, the end of the rope, the edge of a vast and desolate canyon, that God Is.

It is from the bottom of the well that I can say with a sureness I had until now only assumed was there, that His grace really is sufficient.

In spite of all I don't understand, everything I have believed about the goodness of God remains unchanged. Constant. Steady. True.

He is my refuge.

My hiding place.

And my heart will choose to say 'Blessed Be Your Name...'

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Gifts from the Sea

My little family of four spent just a few days at the beach right after daughter 2's graduation. I haven't posted any pictures or written any words about those few days because to be honest it was a confusing and difficult time and I wasn't sure I wanted to write anything at all.

As I've thought about that week I recognize in the midst of life's greatest sorrow, we were given a gift. A reminder that in our darkest moments God cares for us.

We were together. All of us in the same place at the same time. I don't believe it was happenstance.

In my family we all love the sea.

Its the place we go to reconnect with ourselves and with each other.

Salt water rolls in with the tide and the tears.

When I am face to face with the sea I remember that God is big.

He knows the end from the beginning.

I stand atop a thousand million tiny seashells resting in the sand and am in awe of a Creator who knows precisely how many lie under my feet.

The birds of the air...

...the fish of the sea...

His eye is on the sparrow and I know it watches me.

On May 8th, 2012 this was our sky-

We sat together and watched as it was painted a thousand shades of pinky golden orange.

Life changed that day in ways we haven't even begun to realize, but this one thing remains constant. God loves us with a love that is wider than the widest sea, deeper than the deepest ocean and more beautiful than the most vivid sunset.

For a moment peace was not elusive, it was there for the claiming.

The sunset felt like it was made just for us.

Perhaps it was.

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand..." Psalm 139:17-18 (NLT)